t was my moms idea. I didn't see it coming.
My memories of the childhood that shaped my life, were shaded in pain. I didn't feel safe. Yes, there were many happy moments that tipped the scales. I still wondered why I was so sensitive. Why couldn't I just let things roll off my back like water off a ducks back?
It tortured me to make a mistake. The fear of being embarrassed robbed me of living fully. I realized my fear of being embarrassed not only robbed me, but I was also robbing others too.
There were times as a child that I hated my mom and her big nose. I vowed never to be like her. I hated it when people said I looked just like her.
I remember clearly when she turned 40, I thought she was ancient.
As an adult, I wrestled with with my childhood demons. Co-dependency support groups, forgiveness work, art and music therapy, and so much more, all helped me to work through my issues. I realized that I needed to grieve the fact that I didn't have a mom that was my best friend. As I polished the 'GEM IN I', changes happened, my perspective shifted. I changed my focus and became curious about my moms life from her eyes.
The year was 1989, and I was turning 40. For some reason I had decided to celebrate all year long by doing all the things on my 'want to do list', that I hadn't gotten around to yet. Like going on a hot air balloon ride...., a life lesson in being specific about what you ask for. My ride was at a fair in a balloon that was tethered to trucks and took us up about 25 feet and back down. The universe does have a sense of humour.
In 1989 mom went on a guided tour of Australia and New Zealand, two countries on my 40th birthday wish list that I haven't been to yet. There was a stop over in Vancouver on the flight from Calgary. Could we meet them at the airport, as she wanted to give me my birthday present?
She had crafted a beautiful photo album with my name on it and had recycled all the pictures of me and my friends and family. In the back she had handwritten pages of information of all the relatives. A family tree of names, dates, locations, their children and their children's children. She did the same for my brother on his 40th. Recycling as she downsized and decluttered.
Writing this I noticed the connection of the 40th birthdays.
The album has been a huge part of my healing journey, as I notice that I now love pictures that I once cringed at when I looked at them. A clear indication to me that, like the advertising slogan said, "You've Come A Long Way Baby"
It is now 2017 and at 68 years young, I am finally comfortable saying,
thanks for the gift of recycling mom. I love you.
Sage
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