When did you start making decisions that made you smaller? Decisions that were fear based. Were you even aware you were doing it or were they carry overs, a family pattern? A natural way of being for you.
We are heading home to Vancouver from Grand Forks, B.C on the Greyhound bus. This weekend gathering to celebrate a life has been a wonderful trip down memory lane. An opening up of a whole can of awarenesses for me that has me asking myself these questions. Looking back at my life's fear based decisions.
I am again being delightfully distracted. This time by the man sitting behind us on the bus. When we got on he was gently singing along to what he was listening to. It soothed and relaxed me instantly. At the last stop I thanked him. Now I am listening to more, its like being at my own personal music concert.
Ever since I can remember, I was always over cautious, playing the " what if " game. What if I fell and hurt myself? Well, cautious me has fallen - over the years I have broken both ankles, and my left arm, and hurt myself numerous times as I tumbled to the ground. I think it is an universal law - what you fear the most comes around.
The first time I remember throwing caution to the wind, was running across a field chasing a kite and twisted my ankle when I stepped in a gopher hole. 3 months later the X-ray showed a piece of bone had chipped off which led to an operation.
Then there was ice skating on a lake with friends, again as a teenager. Again, I decided to throw caution to the wind. Next thing I knew my friends were taking me to the emergency. The story told to me was, that I had tripped and flew forward hitting my head. Everyone gathered around me and then fled when they heard ice cracking sounds. They got me into the lake cabin and I remember the parents trying to get me to drink some whiskey. Next thing I remember was arriving at the hospital emergency wondering what was going on. The doctor told my friends not to let me go to sleep and I should be okay. I remember desperately wanting to go to sleep.
Looking back, I also realize that a lot of my decisions were also based around money. I didn't deserve, wasn't good enough, couldn't afford, not worth, not enough, other priorities, lack, lack, and more lack.
Don't want to put anyone out, bother anyone, upset anyone..... Like this moment, afraid my concert music might be bothering other passengers. Why am I taking on what is NOT mine to take on. It is only putting a kink in my delightful experience. I decide to let go and let be. Much more enjoyable again. I hardly noticed I was doing that to myself until I realized I was wondering if I should tell him he could turn it down 1 notch.
Chiropractors, massage therapy, etc, were not even on my radar system back then. Even to this day money still rules my decisions when I know from experience how much I love receiving these treatments. More about that later.
As a teenager, my parents took my brother and I to the dentist, me for a checkup and to see if my brother needed braces. They were told my brother will probably get teeth knocked out playing sports. I got the braces. All my life my mom nagged me to take good care of my teeth. I finally figured out why, she had probably sacrificed a lot to pay the $2000.00 it cost. I've done a lot of forgiving dentists over the years, but that's a whole different story.
As a middle age lady I fell off my bicycle and broke my other ankle. Then in Utah, I missed the curb at a gas station stop and broke my left arm.
I enjoy being an arm chair athlete watching programs like American Ninja Warrior. I marvel at how they come back from serious injuries.
🔑🔑 More about my journey into the land of complementary therapies. In the 1970's my first formal training was in reflexology at the Surrey school board adult education classes. In 1992, I found my dream come true, a medical institution which offered and taught both relaxation classes and Therapeutic Touch (T.T.) Clients and family could book a session to have T.T. Staff as well as volunteers offered these services. The program was set up and offered to other communities around the province. Additionally, there was also Art and Music Therapy available. I spent 5 years there volunteering.
When my own community started a relaxation group under the umbrella of the Richmond Hospice, I made the switch and helped as a volunteer for many years. I also offered and taught others about T.T.
I became involved with a monthly Holistic Night program where practitioners of various modalities would offer their services. The program expanded and we added guest speakers and manicures and pedicures. At the request of clients we took a proposal to the seniors centre staff across the street. Our model was dovetailed with the monthly blood pressure clinic already in place. To date there are now 8 community centres offering a monthly Wellness Clinic.
For many years, all of us practitioners would do exchanges with each other. Over the years I added Cranial Sacral (C.S.) and Reiki, Hover Touch and a few other modalities to my grab bag of tools.
The cost to clients in the beginning was $5.00 as a way of having an energy exchange.🔑🔑.]]]. Today's cost is now $12. So why am I not accessing the program as a client? A program I volunteered at for years. Certainly can't be money. Why am I not getting together with other practitioners? Why am I not working on myself?
🔑🔑 Hover Touch was taught by a past minister at church.🔑🔑 There are others that still use those skills on anyone that asks. Why am I not asking, that is the question.
More fear based decisions.
My high school friends and I were experimenting, sitting in a circle holding hands having a seance. Someone tapped me on the shoulder - it scared me and I ran downstairs to where my parents were.
In 1969, I took the T.M. meditation course. One day while meditating, I again was scared. In the 1970's, I took courses with PSI (People Searching Inside). During one of their guided meditations, I again scared myself when I had a clear visual experience. I usually got more of a feeling sense of things. Over the years I have become more comfortable in trusting the information I get.
Sometimes the information is very clear, a decision to be made. Like when I was taking meditation classes at the Washington Psychic Institution in Vancouver, B.C. On the drive home I missed my turn off. As I travelled down the straight street I was on, there was a straight line of clouds above me. On one side dark stormy clouds, on the other, blue sky. The choice was clear. Leave the relationship I was in or continue on and pick him up at his sisters place as planned. I picked him up and stayed a few more years because I didn't want to lose my friendship with his family, especially one of his sisters.
That decision put me in the right place at the right time to meet my current husband 26 years ago. We have always been very thankful to our previous spouses for their part in our journeys.
In recent years I have experienced the power of prayer. The prayer chaplain training taught me that confidentiality also meant not telling others about someone's good news, like an upcoming trip. We were also taught not to ask people how they are, but to say, "it's nice to see you". This is important especially if we had prayed with the person, as they might not want to be reminded in the moment. I think this would be a good thing to teach everyone.. I spend time hibernating and isolating to avoid these tender moments.
I too have been on the opposite side. The one running around telling everyone I see what so and so just told me about them going on a cruise or tour or whatever. Robbing the person of the joy of telling others themselves or choosing who they want to tell. Or on the other end of the spectrum, sharing difficult news of a diagnosis.
Then there are the hundreds of people I have asked, "How are you?" Even strangers that I have said to, " I hope you were having fun when...." I ask everyone I have wronged for forgiveness.
Life is a balancing act full of decisions to make. I have learned that whatever decision I make is the right one, just different lessons along the way.
My balancing act has been sprinkled with HAM radio and wood carving events with my husband. Playing Texas Holdem poker at the seniors centre. Cruises, travelling the Thousand Trails membership RV resorts, even exploring our own community and all the activities right here at home.
Most recently we have been involved in learning how to create digital stories. I spent 3 days at the local library scanning and digitizing boxes of old slides and have gone through and reorganized all the photos that have been stored away for 15 years.
And most importantly, I am writing again.
More story ideas are bubbling up. Catch you next time.
Sage
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