How Ralph and I Came To Be

I had been in a 13 year common-law relationship with Alan. We had been on a driving trip to Wenatchee, Wa. On the drive home to Langley via Osoyoos and Hwy 3, I ended up getting out of the car when we stopped for gas at Kerameas and refused to get back in. Alan finally drove off. I walked back to the downtown area and got the Greyhound bus information. I was ready to go whichever way the first bus went, which turned out to be Langley the next morning. So I went and got a room at the local hotel.
As I came out of the Langley Greyhound building there was our car sitting there in the parking lot. Alan was nowhere to be seen. I jumped in the car and went to the basement suite we were living at. My suitcase was unpacked, there were notes for me about phone calls, it was like nothing was wrong. I quickly stuffed some things in garbage bags and loaded up the car and took off, before Alan could get back.
I spent that first day driving around. I visited a friend / workmate to talk. I needed to get some perspective. After I left there I got a motel room. The next day I got on a pay phone at Semiahmoo Mall in White Rock looking for someone to give me information on my legal rights etc. Each person I told my story to, told me to call another number. At the last number I talked to, I was told to call back in an hour as she had to talk to a co worker.
I went and sat at the beach. There was this magnificent free spirit dog running first one way and then back again. Eventually the dogs owner appeared. I had the most inspirational conversation with this wonderful gentlemen. He told me wonderful stories about his dog. They had given it to his daughter and her family when his wife and him had moved into an apartment. The dog ran away and showed up at their place a number of times. So, they finally gave in and accepted that the dog was theirs. It was a magical wonderous moment. Time well spent.
Back to the pay phone to make what turned out to be a very important call. The person I had talked to said, YES, there is a bed available. I had no idea that I had been calling ‘safe houses’. I thought I was asking for someone to talk to, to get some perspective and find out what my legal rights were. Then the resource worker asked, “Do you want it?“ Somehow, someway I managed to say that most difficult word – YES ! She asked me if I had a car or if I would be taking a taxi. She told me that she would tell me the address, but I was never to tell anyone else. It is for security so that husbands can not find their wives and kids. So, my plan was to go there for 1 night and get the information that I wanted. The resource worker showed me around and introduced me to some of the others in the group home. She explained the rules – ie. No giving out the phone number, and no phoning the husband, and no men allowed to visit. There were 10 people all together – mom’s and children.
I kept saying things like – “what if someone phones in the middle of the night and really needs the bed?” Her answer was – “You deserve it just as much as anyone else.” I would say, “Yeah but….”
Then the phone rang and she had to take the call. So I got up and looked at a chart on the wall that she had told me about. There it was in black and white. My life – each pie wedge on the Unhealthy Co-dependant chart ( even ones that involved children ) was what my life with Alan was. And each pie wedge on the Healthy Inter dependant chart was what I wanted my life to be.
I sat down and surrendered. I ended up staying in the ‘safe house’ for a month. Even having a roof over my head and food to eat, there was a time half way thru that it was tempting to just go back to Alan.
There was another list on the wall of the kitchen that had a number of various resources listed. I kept meaning to call some of them. Then the resource worker on call arrived with another woman in the middle of the night. The next day was a Sunday and the resource worker did not start work until noon. The new lady called her husband from the phone in the house and was screaming at him. I ended up in the kitchen eating all my comfort foods – grilled cheese sandwich, Rice Krispie’s, Corn Flakes. I realized I had been shaken, maybe I wasn’t doing as good as I thought. She turned out to be a wonderful gift to me. I was motivated. The next day I called all the places I hadn’t gotten around to.
There was one called “Gemini”. It was a self assertive, self awareness 8 week course. It started the next day ! ! ! It was a fantastic course. Turned out that “Gemini" was about polishing the “Gem In I”, not my zodiac sign.
Another number was Relationships Anonymous. I called the phone number and talked to this lady that told me the group had folded 2 years ago. She told me about a Co dependency weekly group at the Unity Church.
I kept missing the contact person at Unity and I could not leave my number. The morning of Mothers Day, I was in the shower and wondering what I wanted to do. I did not want to be around the house. The thought – go to the Unity Church and get the information first hand. So off I went. I was a few minutes late and was directed to a seat in the back. As I sat there I wondered how the minister knew. He was talking directly to me. It was a spiritual church, not a religious church. It was just perfect, what I had been looking for all my life. Then the thought – okay where’s the catch, this is too good to be true. I shook my head and said to myself – it doesn’t matter. It felt like I had come home.
Over the weeks, one of the other ladies and her daughter came with me to Unity. One day, the minister’s talk was about making a list of things we want to do and now go out and do them. After, as we were standing up to go downstairs for coffee and to get her daughter, a little voice in my head said – “you’ve seen that guy a few times now, you should make a point of saying hi.” (he was sitting 3 rows ahead)
Wendy and I were sitting downstairs with our coffee’s and THE guy came and stood right beside us. So I jumped up and said “ A little voice upstairs told me to say hi to you.” We all talked for a few minutes and then Ralph left. A few minutes later Wendy and her daughter and I left. And there outside was Ralph – a fat grey haired old man – getting on a motorcycle. So, I went over and said, “Now I know why I was supposed to say Hi to you – a motorcycle ride would be on my list of things to do.” Ralph said, “ ah ah I’m married.” I said, “What’s that got to do with a motorcycle ride?” The next Sunday, I noticed that he had an extra helmet but he did not ask me to go for a ride. Over the next few weeks we ended up telling each other our stories, sitting together and talking for hours. Ralph started coming to the Co dependency meetings I went to on Wednesdays. We valued our friendship.
Then one Sunday as we hugged good bye, he kissed my cheek. The next Wed meeting night most of the group were going over to the White Spot restaurant. Ralph and I decided to join them. Well, everyone got seated together but us. We said that was okay as we needed to talk. So there we were, sitting alone. Acknowledging that we were friends and not wanting to jeopardize that. We agreed we did not want to change things.
Then I met Joe at a pub. He also had a motorcycle. I went out with him a couple of times. Then one time in the middle of the night he phoned – he had been in a car accident and was at home and needed help. He had called his friends but no one would help. He was drunk. So, I drove over and stayed on his couch all night – making sure he was okay.
Ralph and I decided to go to the Unity Church’s annual picnic in Aug at Stanley Park on his motorcycle and then stay for the fireworks. I finally got my motorcycle ride. Turns out, Ralph’s idea of a motorcycle ride was a day or half day trip somewhere. I meant a ride around the block.At the picnic, we ended up hand in hand and kissing in the bushes. There was no stopping the universe. We were not in control. We were meant to be. Sparks flew at the fireworks.
So, here I was. The universe had presented me with 2 choices. Black and white. A healthy relationship or an unhealthy codependent relationship. I tried to explain this to Joe. He didn’t understand. Didn’t see it. I chose a healthy relationship. I chose me.
Either choice would have been right. I would have learned lessons either way.
And that’s how Ralph and I came to be.