I am reading a works called Internal Affairs A Journalkeeping Workbook for Self-Intimacy by Kay Leigh Hagan. Among other things, she talks about becoming familiar with our memories - their selectivity, biases, embellishments, and symbolism - to enable us to deepen our self-intimacy, to avoid illusion and denial, and to make more empowering decisions. But the 'trust' we need to share our memories freely in a relationship must be present in our self-intimacy as well.
I recognize that I have fears around journalling freely - safety issues stemming from past trauma's of being violated and embarrassed as a child. I hold back just in case. Living in that world of 'what if' someone read my words and misunderstood me, was hurt by me. What if they thought that my words painted an accurate picture of who I was, what I felt. When for me, journalling is a lot about fiction that develops into those delightful gems of ah ha moments. A clearing of the way for the 'stuff' beneath the surface to perculate up and be presented to the conscious self. Stories from my perspective of my memories - true or false. Long lost stored up energy particles waiting to be released or 'stuff' from the present moment that I choose to release and let go of instead of storing it away in my cellular make up.
So I am careful, automatically censoring - holding back, just in case. Reading 'A censor can become a sensor as soon as I decide to probe past the guard at the door' makes me crave more. Determined to probe deep into the mine of blocks that holds me back. Determined to breath through the fear that protects me, yet holds me back from revealing the vast store-house of information to myself. I will take the opportunity to 're-view' it.
I had never looked at the issue of 'trust' before. Although I don't trust others, my mom especially, to respect my privacy by not reading my journals (noticing that I am sugar coating my words here - when I really mean just my mom. My dream is that others will read and find gems, nuggets of inspiration from my words. That there will be 'foot prints' in the sand for others to follow)
Trust. I need to trust myself too. Is this lack of trusting myself tied into fear of succeeding, I wonder. Am I afraid of my power. What if.... Ahhh!!! What if I leave everyone else behind. What if they don't keep up with my growth pattern. Could I be patient, let go of the frustration, letting them be them without trying to change them!
The realm of trust encompasses a vast array of nuggets to be uncovered.
Kay Leigh (hey, that's Ralphs daughters middle name too - what are the odds, what are the odds that I would finally notice that too. LOL)
As I was saying before I interrupted myself with an example of what I mean about the process of journalling bringing to light the gifts that give us pause, an awe moment wondering about the universe, Kay Leigh talks about information nudging its way to the surface, past the censors, though her 'dreams', journalling gave her a chance to re-view the memories. I will open up to remembering and recording my dreams as part of the journalling process. Another connection I had not thought of - dreams being another way of journalling.
A precious awareness opening up new worlds of possibilities. Shattering the old box I was trapped in, creating new space - more space, to grow and flourish in. Dear God, please fertilize me... Laughing here, cause I had the thought -'what if' all the crap from the past is just that - the fertilizer that sprouts our seeds and allows us to flourish into the beautiful blossums of the universe. :>)
Good Night all.
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