PATTERNS

As I was journalling, pen in hand on paper, I noticed a pattern. So here I am to let loose and explore the reoccuring patterns of my life.

The one I became aware of was the connection of the Unity church and the hospital stays. I was journalling about the Relaxation Circle and the role it has played in my life and the role I have played in its life. Same with the Wellness Clinic programs. Noticing how I choose to not use these helpful programs when I need it most. Waiting until I feel better... instead of being helped by the program to feel better. Then a 1991 memory of meeting Pete and Freddie in the lane when I was out of hospital for the day, and how wonderfully excited Freddie was to see me. I felt so special. Then I realized that we are again back at Unity. A similiar pattern repeating itself in this 2011 present moment. So I thought. Why not journal and examine "patterns" of my life. What a wonderful workshop idea. What a wonderful idea to examine for the church - looking at its reoccuring patterns may reveal answers. Lead us to what we are meant to do as a church community.

So why am I speechless here at the moment. What am I not wanting to look at yet? My mind has shut down and gone blank. So many memories, where do I start? Why bother?

Ah!!! Typing word 'bother' twigged a thought about my brother. Now I am noticing that I am resisting. Glad that my Hidden Object game is loaded. An excuse to leave this and go play. Take a breather.



A journalling technique I just heard about, says to leave a space if you have not journalled for awhile. So is an hour or 2 "awhile" or is "awhile" mean days, weeks, months, years. Notice how I am creating a diversion here. Skirting the issue at hand. Resisting the healing that is so close to surfacing. Resisting the emotions involved. Resisting the pain and hurt. Oh God, forgive me for I know not what I do - did. I would like to think that I would do different now that I know more. Why was I spared the torment that my brother went through. Why didn't I drive him to the hospital that night. Why did he have to depend on a stranger to pick him up and take him there. Why didn't whhy didn't, why didn't. Why do I beat myself up so for something I can not change. I can not relive the moment. Ah! use the /_\ idea to journal this.

Feelings / Thoughts / Behavior
I feel bad. I could have been there for him. Helped him. But he was doing so many stupid things. He embarrassed me. Put my job in jeopardy. Involved my friends daughter in the stupidity. Disappointed me so. He was not someone I was proud of. He did not live up to my expectations AHHH! KEY* Do we ever live up to someone elses expectations? Do I? Is that what holds me back still today? Not even trying. So tired of trying to live up to others expectations, I don't even bother to try anymore. Or did I ever try to. A pattern I learned again and again early on in my life. Vacuuming wasn't good enough. Rotten messages again again. So how do I get past all this? What do I do now?

I don't remember dreaming last night ( I made the intent to ) but I do remember thinking of Judith when I was waking up. Does that count?

I want to remember tonights dreams. I want to find answers to all these questions that I ponder over.

Thoughts! I wasn't a very good sister. I was a failure. He wasn't a very good brother. He was a failure too. Neither one of us were good enough. I was jealous of him and his carefree life. Seemed to have no fear. Which looked like stupidity to me at times. Me, I was such a scaredy cat - no guts, too cautious. I wished I was more like him. Flooding with peace and love here now in this moment. A releasing healing moment.

Behavior! I didn't help him when I could have. I harboured anger and resentment unnessarily. I let things ride and let time heal (?) the wounds. LOL - wounds I still feel in this moment, so I guess the scabs of time just hide the wounds of the wounded. I am remembering here that others don't have the power to wound me, it is my responsibility to allow or not allow the wounding.

My thoughts have stopped. The healing continues. Love and peace all.