hI THERE
I am listening to a pod cast from the Unity of Vancouver website. Trying anything to connect to that flow I so want to be flowing through me. Connected, grounded. Securely and lovingly. Wanting answers to questions not yet formulated. Thoughts grinding to a halt. A wanting yearning churning within me. Struggling to unlease itself and get out. But get out of where. What binds me. Searching to uncover what? Needing what? Where do I start? Where does it end? Ah! I am trying to control, instead of being and trusting in Gods time, being in Gods hands. Ah! Pod cast just reminded me that it is not that I need God, it is that God needs us. A different perspective. A view from above. A different understanding. A stepping into the flow.
So now I am here, where do I want to go? What decisions do I get to make? Do I or do I not want to:
- continue with the weekly appointments
- get back to helping to facilitate the relaxation group again
- continue on with the Wellness Clinic's
- start something new
- workshops
- story writing
- relaxation
- healing
- play
- sharing
- EFT
- TT etc.
- journalling
- art therapy
-
- travel
- camping
- TT campsites
- explore BC (Laird Hot Springs)
- Lower mainland
- cruising
- 25 year pass
- Volunteer
- church
Is blogging a type of volunteering. Sharing what I know and think with the hope of helping others. "needs us" is the word that jumps out of the pod cast that I am listening to... I so need to be needed.
I wonder what my destiny is, my lifes purpose. What am I supposed to be doing? How am I supposed to be doing it? I need guidance. I want guidance... I crave guidance... Slip me into my paths purpose. What have I done wrong, when I have a sickness, broken bones, a wrong doing... of some sort. When I am not perfect. When I do something wrong. I love this process. Feeling stupid and dumb, and not worthwhile. i love the imperfection of perfection. what a relief. An unloading of whats to come. words flowing without editing , strange words, utterly no meaning to discern. no ah ha's yet profound. Loving and generous. Moving on. Moving on to what? Needing to move on. What am I waiting for. Mom to die, so I don't get embarrassed trying to explain myself. Doors that need to be closed - the church lesson of today.
Doors to close
- struggle with mom relationship
- forgiveness to myself for the whole list of people plus
/_\ journal idea - there is no accident that we encounter the people that we do. What gift has each person given to my life / what gift have they received from me?
Heard someone suggest recently, that when you don't journal for awhile - to leave a space to show that. So hear I am, leaving a space in this blog because it has been a few hours - guess it is just me getting stuck. Not knowing what to do. And there is so much to do.
I have to have my homework goals completed for Tuesday and I am not getting around to it yet. There is housework and laundry and emails to respond to and decisions to make. Ah, I had better answer M's email. Maybe that will make me feel better.
Well, I got 1 email answered... and somehow lost all the tasks bars and am ticked off at myself and my lack of computer knowledge... Which F button did I click on by mistake, how do I undo - now grrrr this site is saying auto save failed and so this may all get lost too!!! What a groaner. I was hoping to feel better and I get more challenges instead. Lots of laughs - just shaking my head and smiling here, what more can I do. I am trusting that this may have not meant to be and the universe is taking good care of me. Blog blog blog. so I will post and see what happens. Take care and good night all.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
CONTEMPLATING THOSE "what if" LIFE MOMENTS
Have you ever contemplated those amazing moments in life when you were in the right place at the right time. Moments that blazed new trails in your lifes journey. Lets start by listing memorable moments in time that may have been put on the back shelf, moments that helped shape your life.
My moments that come to mind in this now moment are:
- my brothers name being Gerry Keeling which was the name of the quarterback for the Calgary Stampeders football team back when we were young teenagers. The phone rings and asks for Gerry Keeling. My girlfriend and I had somehow cornered my brother in the closet and were holding the door shut on him. So I said, he is locked in the closet at the moment and took a name and number for Gerry to call back once we let him out of the closet. This memory has me wondering in this moment if my brother ever suffered from fears of the dark or small places because of this. Any ways, turned out the guy was looking for the football player.... LOL This phone call led to many more - to me though, not my brother. Turned out to be a teen my age. We had many wonderful conversations about WHY salt was called salt and not pepper. He told me to ask the question HOW instead. This got me through much of the turmoil of the day. What was his name... He eventually came to visit me. That is another story in itself. I reacted poorly when I saw him - only because it was an unexpected surprise to find out that he was black. We drifted apart after that episode. I felt foolish and embarrassed because he had told me to ask a friend of his that went to my school about him. All the guy said was that he had black curly hair. I felt used. I can't imagine how the guy felt. I hope it didn't affect him and his life.
- then there was the time in Quesnel when I was looking for a job. I applied at the drug store and got the job, not realizing that a position had become available. I had beat the crowd that was soon to appear.
- I often tell others the stories of asking for a parking space. One day, I arrived at my destination and had to go around the block 3 times before I found a parking space. As I went into the medical building, there in the elevator was the doctor that I had wanted to magically run into to give him some paperwork. AHHHhh! I was too early was I, thank you universe.
- Then there was the experience of stretching time. I was visiting with another practitioner. We did healing sessions on each other and then had lunch. From her place we were catching the bus to go to the Mask Making workshop together. We left late, then missed a bus. We chose to ask the universe to stretch time. We continued merrily on our way, getting to our destination early. We have no idea how we made it, it logically seemed impossible.
- When I was residing at a Transition (Safe) House, I drove back from a Unity Church where the Sunday service had been directed directly at me it seemed, and each song on the radio was powerful healing and had me shedding my tears. I felt renewed and cleansed. I remember deciding to listen to one more song when I had arrived at my destination - the magic was over, that next song had nothing to do with anything.
- My most favorite volunteer work was at the Hospital Emergency Room. It did not matter if I visited one patient or saw everyone during my shift. I was free to follow my intition, to follow my NOSE, and let it lead me to be in the right place at the right moment. I had many wonderful experiences of allowing myself to get in touch / be in the moment / listen to that universal nudge. I would come to a fork in the road (the end of the hall with the choice to go right or left) and would have the urge to turn one way and someone would be having blood drawn, and I would go and hold their hand and distract them. I had many wonderful healing conversations with strangers that crossed my path. Ships in the night that shaped my life, touched my heart.
- A magical experience at the Unity Church (and there are many, some unfolding in this now moment) I was going to a Wed. night meeting from work. I started out being early and ended up being late. Driving there I was thinking that I would like to get some nutritional information and start eating better. When I arrived the doors were closed and I decided to go for a walk instead. On the stairs, I ran into a friend and got one of his great 'hugs'. On the way back up the stairs, I told the lady coming down that we were too late and that I was going to go for a walk. She invited herself to come with me. She introduced herself and guess what, she worked in the nutrition field. I was 'in the flow'. I was in the right place at the right moment - super tuned into Universe. Then I said to myself - whoa, this is too much, and everything stopped. The experience was over. The universe gave me what I asked for. I strived for years to tune in again. To find and ride that stream again. I have achieved moments since, but nothing like that feeling again.
- I met Ralph at that Unity Church. One day the minister was talking about making a list of things you would like to do. Then, dah!!!, go out and do them. I had a thought when getting up after the service - 'you've seen that guy a few times, you should say 'hi''. Then downstairs at coffee gathering afterwards, he came and stood right next to my chair. So I jumped up and said, "a little voice said to me....." He left a few minutes later. When Wendy and I were leaving, we saw Ralph getting on a motorcycle. I went over and said, a motorcycle ride would be on my list of things to do. One thing lead to other, I eventually got my motorcycle ride and we have been together ever since. GOD / Universe, was definitely in control - there was no stopping the process.
There are hundreds more of these historical moments, I just can't think of any in the moment. I hope this sparks your memories and would be 'tickled pink' if you cared to share some with me.
Love and Lightening Up on Myself
Peace and Goodwill All
My moments that come to mind in this now moment are:
- my brothers name being Gerry Keeling which was the name of the quarterback for the Calgary Stampeders football team back when we were young teenagers. The phone rings and asks for Gerry Keeling. My girlfriend and I had somehow cornered my brother in the closet and were holding the door shut on him. So I said, he is locked in the closet at the moment and took a name and number for Gerry to call back once we let him out of the closet. This memory has me wondering in this moment if my brother ever suffered from fears of the dark or small places because of this. Any ways, turned out the guy was looking for the football player.... LOL This phone call led to many more - to me though, not my brother. Turned out to be a teen my age. We had many wonderful conversations about WHY salt was called salt and not pepper. He told me to ask the question HOW instead. This got me through much of the turmoil of the day. What was his name... He eventually came to visit me. That is another story in itself. I reacted poorly when I saw him - only because it was an unexpected surprise to find out that he was black. We drifted apart after that episode. I felt foolish and embarrassed because he had told me to ask a friend of his that went to my school about him. All the guy said was that he had black curly hair. I felt used. I can't imagine how the guy felt. I hope it didn't affect him and his life.
- then there was the time in Quesnel when I was looking for a job. I applied at the drug store and got the job, not realizing that a position had become available. I had beat the crowd that was soon to appear.
- I often tell others the stories of asking for a parking space. One day, I arrived at my destination and had to go around the block 3 times before I found a parking space. As I went into the medical building, there in the elevator was the doctor that I had wanted to magically run into to give him some paperwork. AHHHhh! I was too early was I, thank you universe.
- Then there was the experience of stretching time. I was visiting with another practitioner. We did healing sessions on each other and then had lunch. From her place we were catching the bus to go to the Mask Making workshop together. We left late, then missed a bus. We chose to ask the universe to stretch time. We continued merrily on our way, getting to our destination early. We have no idea how we made it, it logically seemed impossible.
- When I was residing at a Transition (Safe) House, I drove back from a Unity Church where the Sunday service had been directed directly at me it seemed, and each song on the radio was powerful healing and had me shedding my tears. I felt renewed and cleansed. I remember deciding to listen to one more song when I had arrived at my destination - the magic was over, that next song had nothing to do with anything.
- My most favorite volunteer work was at the Hospital Emergency Room. It did not matter if I visited one patient or saw everyone during my shift. I was free to follow my intition, to follow my NOSE, and let it lead me to be in the right place at the right moment. I had many wonderful experiences of allowing myself to get in touch / be in the moment / listen to that universal nudge. I would come to a fork in the road (the end of the hall with the choice to go right or left) and would have the urge to turn one way and someone would be having blood drawn, and I would go and hold their hand and distract them. I had many wonderful healing conversations with strangers that crossed my path. Ships in the night that shaped my life, touched my heart.
- A magical experience at the Unity Church (and there are many, some unfolding in this now moment) I was going to a Wed. night meeting from work. I started out being early and ended up being late. Driving there I was thinking that I would like to get some nutritional information and start eating better. When I arrived the doors were closed and I decided to go for a walk instead. On the stairs, I ran into a friend and got one of his great 'hugs'. On the way back up the stairs, I told the lady coming down that we were too late and that I was going to go for a walk. She invited herself to come with me. She introduced herself and guess what, she worked in the nutrition field. I was 'in the flow'. I was in the right place at the right moment - super tuned into Universe. Then I said to myself - whoa, this is too much, and everything stopped. The experience was over. The universe gave me what I asked for. I strived for years to tune in again. To find and ride that stream again. I have achieved moments since, but nothing like that feeling again.
- I met Ralph at that Unity Church. One day the minister was talking about making a list of things you would like to do. Then, dah!!!, go out and do them. I had a thought when getting up after the service - 'you've seen that guy a few times, you should say 'hi''. Then downstairs at coffee gathering afterwards, he came and stood right next to my chair. So I jumped up and said, "a little voice said to me....." He left a few minutes later. When Wendy and I were leaving, we saw Ralph getting on a motorcycle. I went over and said, a motorcycle ride would be on my list of things to do. One thing lead to other, I eventually got my motorcycle ride and we have been together ever since. GOD / Universe, was definitely in control - there was no stopping the process.
There are hundreds more of these historical moments, I just can't think of any in the moment. I hope this sparks your memories and would be 'tickled pink' if you cared to share some with me.
Love and Lightening Up on Myself
Peace and Goodwill All
Friday, May 06, 2011
Later Life Group and Bach Flower Journal
Greetings
I will start with a chronological account of events and then will use this space to journal into healings.
Back in Nov 2010, I attended a group orientation session and then a one on one intake meeting with a counselor for the local mental health program to decide which of the various group programs I would best fit into. Then it was 'sit back and wait' - 3 to 6 months, depending on which group.
During this wait time, at the end of Jan, 2011, the Mindful Meditation Cognitive Base 8 week group being held at the offices of a drug and alcohol abuse program was offered to me. I discovered other free drop-in group programs also offered at this location and attended the ear acupuncture, art therapy, nutrition, women's group, Yoga, food and mood and others. I benefitted from these daily sessions that were just as relevant to me as a non client. Alas, when the Mindful Meditation Group finished I was told that it was also the end of my being able to participate in the other programs. Back to 'waiting' mode.
Fast forward to May, 2011, the wait is over - well sort of, in one way anyways. The Later in Life Group Therapy session starts, after being postponed a week. The first introductory session lays out the program. 17 weeks of 2 hour sessions, at 1 -3, on both Mondays and Tuesdays, geez - that runs us into mid Sept. given a number of holiday Mondays. I notice how I am ticked off, so ask about also doing one of the other group programs at the same time - anything to make it more worth while being tied down for the summer months. No satisfaction offered. I am considering dumping the group...
Hence the journalling. Am I resisting? What am I resisting?? Feeling stuck, looking for a way out - some way to get some of my control back... So much for the 1st Monday session.
Then comes Tuesdays session. I started the day with a consultation appointment with a Holistic Practitioner in a neighboring community which took until 12:30. It is a good 1/2 drive back. After stopping at the Seniors Centre for a pee and to pick my husband up so he could drop me off at the hospital - you guessed it... I was about 20 minutes late. Now, was that me trying to control - they had stressed attendance and punctuality, asking us to phone and let them know if we were going to be late.
I chose to be in the moment at my healing appointment, not wanting to cut it short or short change myself. I chose me first for a change. Trusting the bigger picture, knowing that the Universe had a purpose. I trusted that I would arrive at the group at the right time, GODS time - not our man made time. Turned out that the others - 8 of them, were interviewing each other. (even number for 1 on 1) :>) Then we went around with each of them introducing each other to the rest of us. All I had to do was introduce myself answering their 3 questions.
1. Where was I born and raised?
2. What is my favorite food?
3. What do I want to get out of the group?
Thank you Universe, I hadn't missed anything.
So, back to the Monday / Tuesday schedule. Two Mondays a month have Wellness Clinics I like to participate in, in the mornings. Then there is a couple of morning exercise groups at the Seniors Centre on the way to the Hospital location that I would like to go to. Tuesdays there's also other exercise groups at the Seniors Ctr., or I could play Texas Hold Em poker from 11 - 12:30ish on the way to the 1 P.M. group. Breaks the walk up, gets me exercising and saves me parking costs too!
Oh, Tuesdays group... part of the session was about making SMART goals. We all wrote out and shared a goal that we would do for this week. (I learned lots from the process, but probably not what the facilitator would expect) She had used my goal of doing laundry (original question was "What could you do this week that would make you happy?" or something along that line... She refined my doing laundry into more specific terms... How many loads. Wash / dry / fold / hang / put away / WHEN - I said after lunch Wed. with friends (which some of us do after a Wellness Clinic) She said what time 2 ? 3? I said 3 p.m. A few minutes later she referred back to my example and said something about "how I would be checking the time and hurrying everyone at lunch cause I had to do laundry at 3... My internal unspoken reaction was "nope, never, wouldn't do that - I am happiest being in the moment, in the flow, in the right place at the right time, etc.. etc...
So I changed my goal to doing laundry Thurs. morning. Well, ended up doing laundry Tues when I got home - mostly cause I was in the mood and just in case something else came up Thurs morning... Which left me free to go to the Seniors Ctr for the Joint Works exercise class at 10 Thursday morning and then play Texas Hold Em poker after that. Ahhh! - loving the universe, found out today, that the water is being shut off in our building all day Friday for plumbing repairs.
Well, I sure have been rambling on... Stuff sure takes much longer to spell out and explain than it took in the first place... And then might not make sense, or mean what it was meant to mean, to the reader.
Suffice it to say, I haven't yet gotten around to reading the notes we were given on Tuesday - part of our homework for next Tuesday. We are encouraged to journal, hence this blog - which I am now going to take a break from and play bejeweled for an hour.
Happy Mothers Day May 8/11
It has been a few days since I started this blog. I still have to read the homework assignment and journal for that matter and maybe do a couple more loads of laundry too.
Off and out and about for now, speak at you later.
LATER IN The Day
I just reread this in hopes that it would lead me somewhere. I am wondering if writing with pen on paper might work better for journalling purposes. Purposes - I keep wanting to discover what my life purpose is. Maybe there is more than 1. Purposes seems to fit, feels right. Creates a bigger picture. Maybe it is like setting goals, and the discovery journey needs to be broken down into smaller bundles. Or maybe the "it" is right in front of my nose and I don't see it. Maybe I am in the middle of my purpose. Maybe there is nothing to be looking for.
I ended up doing 2 more loads of laundry today. I had had the thought last Tuesday that maybe I would do a couple loads on Thursday or at least before Tuesday. Thursday brought other 'doings', so today was the day. And - love the universe - someone was doing a load of laundry in the laundry room, so there was only 2 washers available. I had said that I would do 2 more loads, mmhhh! Interesting.
I read the homework today and did the exercises. Going to hit the sack and do the 'Body Scan" CD.
JUN 27th now. Time to post this.
I will start with a chronological account of events and then will use this space to journal into healings.
Back in Nov 2010, I attended a group orientation session and then a one on one intake meeting with a counselor for the local mental health program to decide which of the various group programs I would best fit into. Then it was 'sit back and wait' - 3 to 6 months, depending on which group.
During this wait time, at the end of Jan, 2011, the Mindful Meditation Cognitive Base 8 week group being held at the offices of a drug and alcohol abuse program was offered to me. I discovered other free drop-in group programs also offered at this location and attended the ear acupuncture, art therapy, nutrition, women's group, Yoga, food and mood and others. I benefitted from these daily sessions that were just as relevant to me as a non client. Alas, when the Mindful Meditation Group finished I was told that it was also the end of my being able to participate in the other programs. Back to 'waiting' mode.
Fast forward to May, 2011, the wait is over - well sort of, in one way anyways. The Later in Life Group Therapy session starts, after being postponed a week. The first introductory session lays out the program. 17 weeks of 2 hour sessions, at 1 -3, on both Mondays and Tuesdays, geez - that runs us into mid Sept. given a number of holiday Mondays. I notice how I am ticked off, so ask about also doing one of the other group programs at the same time - anything to make it more worth while being tied down for the summer months. No satisfaction offered. I am considering dumping the group...
Hence the journalling. Am I resisting? What am I resisting?? Feeling stuck, looking for a way out - some way to get some of my control back... So much for the 1st Monday session.
Then comes Tuesdays session. I started the day with a consultation appointment with a Holistic Practitioner in a neighboring community which took until 12:30. It is a good 1/2 drive back. After stopping at the Seniors Centre for a pee and to pick my husband up so he could drop me off at the hospital - you guessed it... I was about 20 minutes late. Now, was that me trying to control - they had stressed attendance and punctuality, asking us to phone and let them know if we were going to be late.
I chose to be in the moment at my healing appointment, not wanting to cut it short or short change myself. I chose me first for a change. Trusting the bigger picture, knowing that the Universe had a purpose. I trusted that I would arrive at the group at the right time, GODS time - not our man made time. Turned out that the others - 8 of them, were interviewing each other. (even number for 1 on 1) :>) Then we went around with each of them introducing each other to the rest of us. All I had to do was introduce myself answering their 3 questions.
1. Where was I born and raised?
2. What is my favorite food?
3. What do I want to get out of the group?
Thank you Universe, I hadn't missed anything.
So, back to the Monday / Tuesday schedule. Two Mondays a month have Wellness Clinics I like to participate in, in the mornings. Then there is a couple of morning exercise groups at the Seniors Centre on the way to the Hospital location that I would like to go to. Tuesdays there's also other exercise groups at the Seniors Ctr., or I could play Texas Hold Em poker from 11 - 12:30ish on the way to the 1 P.M. group. Breaks the walk up, gets me exercising and saves me parking costs too!
Oh, Tuesdays group... part of the session was about making SMART goals. We all wrote out and shared a goal that we would do for this week. (I learned lots from the process, but probably not what the facilitator would expect) She had used my goal of doing laundry (original question was "What could you do this week that would make you happy?" or something along that line... She refined my doing laundry into more specific terms... How many loads. Wash / dry / fold / hang / put away / WHEN - I said after lunch Wed. with friends (which some of us do after a Wellness Clinic) She said what time 2 ? 3? I said 3 p.m. A few minutes later she referred back to my example and said something about "how I would be checking the time and hurrying everyone at lunch cause I had to do laundry at 3... My internal unspoken reaction was "nope, never, wouldn't do that - I am happiest being in the moment, in the flow, in the right place at the right time, etc.. etc...
So I changed my goal to doing laundry Thurs. morning. Well, ended up doing laundry Tues when I got home - mostly cause I was in the mood and just in case something else came up Thurs morning... Which left me free to go to the Seniors Ctr for the Joint Works exercise class at 10 Thursday morning and then play Texas Hold Em poker after that. Ahhh! - loving the universe, found out today, that the water is being shut off in our building all day Friday for plumbing repairs.
Well, I sure have been rambling on... Stuff sure takes much longer to spell out and explain than it took in the first place... And then might not make sense, or mean what it was meant to mean, to the reader.
Suffice it to say, I haven't yet gotten around to reading the notes we were given on Tuesday - part of our homework for next Tuesday. We are encouraged to journal, hence this blog - which I am now going to take a break from and play bejeweled for an hour.
Happy Mothers Day May 8/11
It has been a few days since I started this blog. I still have to read the homework assignment and journal for that matter and maybe do a couple more loads of laundry too.
Off and out and about for now, speak at you later.
LATER IN The Day
I just reread this in hopes that it would lead me somewhere. I am wondering if writing with pen on paper might work better for journalling purposes. Purposes - I keep wanting to discover what my life purpose is. Maybe there is more than 1. Purposes seems to fit, feels right. Creates a bigger picture. Maybe it is like setting goals, and the discovery journey needs to be broken down into smaller bundles. Or maybe the "it" is right in front of my nose and I don't see it. Maybe I am in the middle of my purpose. Maybe there is nothing to be looking for.
I ended up doing 2 more loads of laundry today. I had had the thought last Tuesday that maybe I would do a couple loads on Thursday or at least before Tuesday. Thursday brought other 'doings', so today was the day. And - love the universe - someone was doing a load of laundry in the laundry room, so there was only 2 washers available. I had said that I would do 2 more loads, mmhhh! Interesting.
I read the homework today and did the exercises. Going to hit the sack and do the 'Body Scan" CD.
JUN 27th now. Time to post this.
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