EMAIL TO A FRIEND

I am using you to get 'around to it'. Thank you for being here for me.

Just noticed when I wrote the word 'there' and then decided to change it to 'here' that there* is only one letter that changes the whole meaning, tense, etc. Then when I wrote the *'d "there", noticed that the word itself changes meanings.

Have you checked out the www.philosophersnotes.com website yet? I am sitting here (boy do I like that 'here' word association in this moment) listening to his online 10 min TV video clips. Very helpful and useful info.

So the plan was for me to just journal. take an action step here and get around to it. so as you noticed I got distracted. but instead of beating myself up about that I noticed that I am choosing to just let go and accept wha t is. mistakes and all. I am trying not to look at the screen so i don't edit and make correctionss here (amazing how one small word can make me smile and bring me into this now moment)

anywho - ---haahaa my mind again went blank. guess I am still resisting.

Yesterday as I thought I had not gotten around to even listening to these great TV video clips or done much work - I noticed that - heh - I have taken an action step out of fear. I was hopping around the condo without having my air cast on. One small step, a big one for me.

I really have been living in a "what if" world of fear. found there is a connection back to high school days when I was out at Chestermere Lake (east of Calgary) and a bunch of us were ice skating on the lake. Now I had taken figure skating lessons for years as a kid. Still I was very timid and causious (SP?) My boyfriend was holding my hand and we were skating out to join friends. We were going faster than I was comfortable with when I decided to trust and let go of the fear and enjoy. The next thing I remember was someone trying to get me to drink some whiskey back at the cabin. Apparently I fell and slide across the ice. The parents and kids all scattered when they heard ice cracking sounds when they were all standing around me. Someone came back and they got me into the cabin, they said I was talking - I wasn't aware of anything. The next thing I remember was waking up just as we were driving up to the hospital. I remember getting checked out and my friends were told not to let me fall asleep in case I had a concussion
Once back at there place, all I wanted to do was fall asleep and they kept waking me up / trying to keep me awake. Did I stop trusting myself.. probably even before that. there was the time Girl Guides that the older kids had me on a whip line turning around and I, having the furthest to run couldn't keep up and got SCARED... and hurt. I had been excited about going up from Brownies to GG's. I loved being a Brownie. I ended up quitting G.G.'s. again I let fear fuel the day ( meant to write "rule" untill I noticed that I had an "f" instead and then the rest is history) So many other experiences even before that one that shaped my life into this being perfect, cautious (got it right SP this time I think) perfectionism, procrastination blah blah blah ...

Just did some tapping in this moment... did you miss me? LOL Huge shifts and ah ha's

Apologize to John for me please for not going out to dinner with him my last night there. I have know for a long time that I was scared of going. My flight change gave me an excuse but , then when I was packed - you and I went out anyway. I have felt bad about that ever since. Not forgiving myself for a simple decision I am seeing... mmmh! So many other examples in my life - if only I had moments....

ah, remembering some tapping ah ha's.

One was around doctors and how my current day interaction / or more accurately, my NON interaction - stems from childhood. So many times I got no help. I have heard stories that as a baby I had excema and that my parents tied mitts or socks to my hands so I couldn't scratch myself raw. the creams and ointments the doctors gave didn't do much. then there was the doctor that said that my stomach pain was growing pains. I remember sitting in my dads lap as a teenager with him holding his hand on the spot just to get some relief / feel better for the moment. MMMhhh! now I have the same sort of pain and get Ralph to put his hand on the spot to get some relief. Then there was the time that I chipped a bone in my left ankle (chasing a kite and stepped in a gopher hole) AHHH! another example of letting go and choosing to run across the field and getting hurt - cementing the fear. That was a great memory really. My school chum, Donalee had invited out to Cochrane to stay at her place for a couple weeks during summer holidays. I took the bus from Calgary. When I got there, I found out that she had the measles. (she hadn't said anything in case my parents wouldn't let me come) So I got to play and do things with her younger brother - hence flying the kite. They had a terrific dog that was part wolf. When I twisted my ankle, Donalee rubbed horse linament on it every hour. 3 months later, when I had skipped school one day and needed an excuse - I went to the doctor about my ankle that was still swollen. The xrays showed that the tip of the bone was chipped off. which lead to MY FIRST operation and hospital experience which was also great. I shoulda been a nurse... I was helping all the others in my ward. I love being there... Had some shaky scary moments with walking with the crutches - remember trying to ride an esculator. Was out with a bunch of friends. Not feeling very cared for or supported. After the specialist took my cast off he gave me exercises to do and said I could go back to doing my regular stuff. So the next day I was back at curling. (actually I had been curling a few times with my walking cast on) Next appointment with the specialist he said I could resume my activities - I was confused and told him I had already been curling since the last appointment. He got mad at me and said I would have arthitis and problems with my ankle when I got older. So much for doctors... wonder if all these doctor experiences factored into my decision not to go into nursing.

Along with the Josephine the plumber commercials when I was a teenager. My dad was a plumber and my brother was clearly not wanting to be a plumber. I sensed that my dad was disappointed and so I decided I would be a plumber. At school, we got an assignment to write about a profession that we wanted to go into. I choose plumbing, but the teacher refused to let me write my paper on plumbing and made me write on nursing instead. So much for my plumbing career.

And then there was the NOt wanting to go to college/university. To much politics, BS, PR phoniness. I did take a summer semester at Langara College when I moved to Vanc. At lunch, one of the guys that had a test in the morning, gave a couple of us the answers. I got a great mark when we took the class test that afternoon. The teacher singled us out and we became her pets - suggesting that we read additional books etc. Of course I had to study harder to try to keep up my initial image.

Well, that's enough for now. Thanks for listening. Comments welcome,

It sure didn't turn out how I expected it would.